she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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