sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
