The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize