Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
