My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
