Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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