I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
