census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
