Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
a search helicopter?!
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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