My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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