You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
