That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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