Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
did you just send me my own nude
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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