I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize