That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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