I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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