make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
