there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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