Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize