guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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