Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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