Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
