I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
