So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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