last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
