My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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