I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
