last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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