The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize