Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize