Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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