i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
