I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
