Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
