this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
