I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
