I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
