Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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