last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Terrible idea I love it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
