My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
