a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize