I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
