I murdered the dance floor call the cops
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
