youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
