he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
