also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
