May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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