I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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