If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize