Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
