Jerry, you need to find god
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
