you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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