nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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