I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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