There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
