Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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