DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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