I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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