I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize