Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize