I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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