I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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